Archive for the 'Thoughts' Category

Feb 22 2024

Exhaustion and emptiness after the battle

Published by under Thoughts

Polarwolf

Canis lupus arctos. Picture taken at the Adler- und Wolfspark Kasselburg, Germany on Feb 25, 2024.

When the fighting’s over and “the battle’s lost and won”, to quote Shakespeare’s Macbeth, and when the well earned beer has been drunk, exhaustion and emptiness settle in.

The tiredness caused by exhaustion comes in waves and there is no energy left to fight it. Trying to sleep is the only thing that works. When you’re lucky and can fall asleep, that is. When the memories, their image carousel and the open questions don’t keep your brain awake and busy with an overload of synaptic firing.

The emptiness is even worse to fight. It comes with many unanswered questions:

Why?

What has even happened?

Was it worth it?

Did anything even make any sense at all?

Does your life itself make any sense at all?

Why did you do any of those things?

Why did you wait so long?

Why did you feel what you’ve felt? Did your emotions blind you again?

And most importantly:

What next?

Where next?

Is there even anything worthwhile left to pursue or will it all just be another fool’s errand?

Some might say it is not even worth it to try to find answers to those questions. Life is like a river: Rivers don’t go back upstream. They just flow towards the ocean. Looking back doesn’t make any sense for them. Just move forward.

But those answers are necessary to develop oneself and to grow. To avoid repeating the same mistakes over and over again. And especially as an INFJ personality, to not enter an emotional one way street and invest emotions and time in people again who do not reciprocate those feelings and investments – but who have no qualms playing with you and taking advantage of you.

It’s important to Take Control:

(This song by The Old Gods Of Asgard for the video game Control by Remedy helped me a lot getting through a tough spot in my time as Head of IT at the MPIPZ in Cologne.)

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Feb 20 2024

Nuke the entire site from orbit

Published by under Thoughts

Someone very close to my heart once gave me some golden advice:

Be unapologetic you!

When you’re closing one chapter of your life to start a new one, turning cold and burning all the bridges behind you might be exactly the right thing to do.

As far as the digital world is concerned, that can include the wiping of all existing history of correspondence, severing all personal ties, closing all communication channels and blocking the mail domains of former contacts on your own mail server, so that none of the old noise can reach you anymore.

Create ground zero.

As Ripley so eloquently said in the movie Aliens:

“I say we take off and nuke the entire site from orbit. It’s the only way to be sure.”

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